I FUCKED A FOOT FETISHIST BY ACCIDENT.

I FUCKED A FOOT FETISHIST BY ACCIDENT.

Charlotte is a columnist and the author of HOLY FUCK. She’s addicted to hand lotion, dim sum, fresh sheets and her ginger-dyed hair.

Curly hair, Italian and a tongue made of magic. I didn’t like him that much though. I just enjoyed spending time with him. Until he sucked my toes. And became a dick.

The sex was good at first but eventually sleeping with Mario became exhausting. And the spirit of my grandma seemed stuck in his lips. He’s the most affectionate person I’ve ever slept with. Too many kisses. Everywhere. Like, stop, now. But he’s a musician, so okay.

For fuck sake, it’s obvious: I am not interested in this guy at all. I am just sleeping with him. And he executes a decent deal of oral so: happy face. Right before he came over today I texted him to get to my place faster as my panties were soaked and I was late for a dinner date. “That’s how I like them panties”, he said. “Okay”, I replied. At the same time my mind screamed ‘ew’. Aside from the occasional butt licking he performs, he appeared to have another unusual trigger.

Fine. I accept everyone’s fantasies or triggers in bed. Oddly enough it kind of threw me off my game. I felt unsexy. Was I a starfish? Oh god I don’t even want to know. I was just afraid there was other stuff still up his sleeve.

“Why are you laughing?”

And then out of nowhere, he started licking my toes. Toes. Of all body parts. He was literally sucking all of them one by one and I just laid there like a slapped ass with bugging eyes. Seriously? You have a boner but you rather suck my toes than be sucked by me? (So far my acceptance) And then I remembered something from our first and only date. We were chatting about dating dealbreakers. He told me that once he broke up with someone because she had strange toes. There was something incredibly wrong with them that turned him off. Does that even exist; ‘Strange toes’? What even are strange toes? I mean I have a size 7,5 so I have massive girl feet. Nothing cute about that. This made me laugh.

“You don’t like it?”, he asked.

“I don’t mind it. Do whatever turns you on.”

“I love it”, he said.

 I continued giggling.

“Then why do you keep laughing?”

“Sorry, it just tickles.”

Yeah right. I didn’t have the courage to tell him that I suddenly felt like I was living in a satc episode called ‘La Douleur Exquise’ where a shoe salesman is totally turned on by Charlotte’s feet. (Oh the coincidence.)

Aside from his obvious foot fetish, he’s a good lover and I would never cast someone aside for something silly like that. Turns out I had to. He turned out to be a major dick and his foot fetish became too present. Not cool that my toes get more oral than I do. That’s not what I signed up for. It’s a shame but at least I gained some confidence out of the whole situation. I mean I believe I have sexy feet now, that’s certainly something. 

THE BUSH IS BACK.

THE BUSH IS BACK.

PEGGING IS THE NEW BLOWJOB.

PEGGING IS THE NEW BLOWJOB.