Getty images

Getty images

"He tied me to the headboard, put his dick in my mouth and ordered me to blow him. Then he slapped me in the face twice, turned me around and banged me while spanking my ass." To some women this sex scenario sounds unreal. To others, it's degrading and disrespectful. Why do some girls love being ‘punished’ in bed?

Dominance alone is hot. As is a pinch or two. You don’t have to be roped up or choked to belong in BDSM. For some women being a sub, insecure little flower is exhilarating. But that's not new at all, isn't it? The Fifty shades of Grey books are probably the blame. Reading about a 'hot' dude spanking a woman made females all over the world curious about handcuffs, hair grabs, and soft wips. Rope sales even went up. The show Masters of sex also showed a couple being unhappy because the woman wanted to be spanked during sex and the guy was totally uncool with that. So, what’s up with some girls wanting to be dominated? And most of all: how should men deal with it?

Optional pain

Bondage and discipline, dominance and submission, sadism and masochism. Those are the 6 pillars to BDSM. Although we have nervous breakdowns with probably more than half of them. The most important thing about BDSM is the fact that you sexually prefer to be dominated. And that can be done without a silly contract. There are many ways of engaging in BDSM play.

"For some kink can be a simple feather, for others it can be a whip. There’s no way to generalize”, said Debby Herbenick a sexual health educator in the Huffington Post. You can have erotic role-play during sex, bite and slap each other, or go way more extreme. There are no rules. "Everyone is different in this. “One can like to be yelled at. Another can adore being peed on or spit on. Something for everyone. What people do in their bedroom is their business as long as they both agree on it. The key lies with communication", says Vanessa Muyldermans, sexologist and relationship coach.

Female thrills

But why do women desire it? Well, it eventually leads to sexual pleasure and that outweighs the pain or subjection. In most cases, it's just a fantasy they have. Research shows that women like to fantasize about being dominated and being ‘firmly banged’. We all have fantasies. Anal sex, sex in public or sex with princess Leia. And we all want them to come true, don’t we? So why not engage in some kink if she (or he) asks for it? As long as you are comfortable with it.

Plus, power is hot. "Power simply makes attractive and is exhilarating. Women who choose to kink their sex lives are prepared to be dominated because that intensifies their pleasure”, says Muyldermans. "They have to turn themselves over to another person and that turns them on. A blindfold and handcuffs, for example, makes for total surprise and total domination."

Adding to that, being wanted can be extremely exciting. “The desire and the build-up to that desire is what women who like kink sex find thrilling”, says Muyldermans. Also, being in a position where you are in the middle of a role-playing allows people to be as candid as they want to be." So they can ask for anything they want sexually without being judged or having to talk about it.

What’s also important in the world of kink is that women overthink less. “Is my ass too much in his way? Are my tits too much in his face? I can’t forget to get groceries later. These are things women think about less when they have kink sex”, says Muyldermans. Total surrender relaxes the mind.

Stimuli for everyone

Although it might sound shady, you probably already have BDSM-aspects in your sex life now. The man ordering to blow him. The woman changing the position and putting herself on top. The man grabbing the woman’s hair. The woman who places her nails in his back. “These are all small, sexual acts that have relation to power and to painful stimuli”, says Muyldermans.

What’s fairly logical is that the type of women who fantasize about dominance in the bedroom often have a different situation going on in their life outside of the bedroom. “We often see that the most empowered and dominant women have the biggest desire to be dominated.” They have to be a boss all the time or have a lot of responsibilities, so a role exchange is hot for them. 

Desires might come off as extreme to you, but they’re still desires. It might take you time to get used to them or you might never want to fulfil them. That’s up to you. "But most of the time both parties experience this power exchange very sexy." You can sense your partner's desires and can control or increase them. You can even deny your partner their wishes. The power is in your hands. As long as your partner enjoys it. 

4 BDSM dealbreakers

  1. Talk about it, don’t just do it. Ask each other questions, explain your desires. There’s no rush.
  2. If someone says no, it’s no.
  3. Make rules of what can be done and what can’t. Some women like slapping, some women like spanking, and some don’t like either of them.
  4. Agree on a safe word. If something goes too far, either one of you should have the option to stop it.